I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
