DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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