im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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