thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
