I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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