She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
