she woke up with a sticky ear
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
