So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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