I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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