Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
