my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
