My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
