we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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