Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize