she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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