If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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