She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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