Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
