Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
