made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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