Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
