I just saw a hot homeless man
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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