WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
