I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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