you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We left the knife in your bed.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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