ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just pee around me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
