you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize