i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
