I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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