I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
