i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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