Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
NoShamevember. You game?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
