i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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