Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
there is puke in my bra ... again
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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