i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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