Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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