Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
