I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
