I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
