Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
