It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
