i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
