Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
