i need an iv and a liver transplant
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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