hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
