those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
