some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
