I accidentally had phone sex last night
"it" just moved
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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