I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Randomize
