Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
