thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
