How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
