Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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