so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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