it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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