at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
