I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize