I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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