It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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