I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
