So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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