im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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