Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
