Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
