I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
