The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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