theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
